Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
When you put Chuck Norris in your GPS, he's always right behind you.
Chuck Norris once went to America's Toughest Prison for a vacation. After thirty seconds of voilence, an angry mob of 1000 convicts demanded to be put on Death Row.
Chuck Norris is the reason NWA ran Straight Outta Compton.
As a kid, Chuck Norris made his dad go to his room.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.27/5 (3395 Votes)
When Chuck Norris crosses the steet the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open and lick his elbow. At the same time.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.17/5 (1812 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.16/5 (1502 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Kid have fun playing "kick the can". Chuck Norrris has fun playing "kick the kid"...
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.17/5 (2484 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (2718 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.16/5 (3154 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.17/5 (2566 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3093 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.16/5 (2496 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.17/5 (4779 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2236 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (1343 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.17/5 (1493 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.16/5 (1437 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.16/5 (1923 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1464 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.16/5 (2007 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.17/5 (1682 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1674 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.16/5 (2453 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.15/5 (1824 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.17/5 (2751 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.16/5 (1803 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.15/5 (2211 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.16/5 (3361 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (3669 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.17/5 (2374 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.16/5 (2396 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (2303 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.16/5 (3261 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.16/5 (2904 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (1913 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.16/5 (2161 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.15/5 (2313 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.15/5 (2881 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2444 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.16/5 (1921 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (3290 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.16/5 (2463 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.16/5 (2223 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.17/5 (2388 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.16/5 (2934 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (2144 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (1940 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.16/5 (2752 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (4374 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.17/5 (2847 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.15/5 (2032 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.16/5 (2165 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.16/5 (2577 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2526 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.16/5 (2340 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.17/5 (3731 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1750 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.16/5 (2510 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.16/5 (1990 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.16/5 (1885 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.16/5 (2681 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (2018 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.16/5 (2050 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.16/5 (3192 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.16/5 (1060 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (2894 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.16/5 (3205 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.16/5 (1434 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.16/5 (1538 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.15/5 (1971 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.15/5 (2100 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.15/5 (2376 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2231 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.16/5 (1282 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.16/5 (1551 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.15/5 (2097 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (2026 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.15/5 (2251 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.15/5 (1994 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.15/5 (2111 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (1467 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.14/5 (2202 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.13/5 (1830 Votes)
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.13/5 (1810 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.13/5 (1981 Votes)
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.13/5 (2118 Votes)
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.12/5 (2563 Votes)