Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.26/5 (4609 Votes)
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.19/5 (2864 Votes)
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.16/5 (2610 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.16/5 (3116 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.18/5 (3882 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.14/5 (2051 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.17/5 (2123 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.16/5 (2087 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.13/5 (2384 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.18/5 (3410 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.18/5 (2761 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.19/5 (3971 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.18/5 (3429 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.18/5 (2867 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.18/5 (2927 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.17/5 (3378 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.17/5 (3130 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (3065 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.16/5 (2853 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.19/5 (4267 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.17/5 (2318 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.18/5 (5386 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.19/5 (3665 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (3355 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.18/5 (2153 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (1768 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.15/5 (2200 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.15/5 (2127 Votes)
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (4247 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.18/5 (2888 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.17/5 (2863 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.19/5 (3069 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (2400 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.17/5 (2610 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.16/5 (2346 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (3747 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (2876 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (3191 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.18/5 (2682 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.15/5 (3378 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (2567 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.17/5 (1945 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.17/5 (3183 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (2182 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.16/5 (2898 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3616 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2707 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.18/5 (1527 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (1802 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.17/5 (2470 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.16/5 (2527 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (2263 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.16/5 (2810 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (2724 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.16/5 (3803 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.16/5 (3317 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2953 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.15/5 (2611 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (2322 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (4820 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.16/5 (2476 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.16/5 (2593 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2947 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.16/5 (3057 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.16/5 (1212 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.16/5 (2669 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.14/5 (2365 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.15/5 (3653 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.15/5 (2299 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.16/5 (2235 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.15/5 (2452 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.15/5 (1713 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.15/5 (2395 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.14/5 (2368 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (2402 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (2386 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.14/5 (2421 Votes)
Chuck Norris went around the world...by standing still.
Chuck Norris recorded the making of the first video camera.
Chuch Norris stood next to a bear and was told he had to leave because the bear was scared.
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.13/5 (1872 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.14/5 (2987 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris hates Raymond.
Chuck Norris won the World Horseshoe Pitching Contest while they were still attached to a Clydesdale.
Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken.
Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin.
Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.
There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris won the tour de france, on a stationary bike.
Kings buy Chuck Norris size beds.
Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink. If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also determine the appropriate percentage level of rankness delivered based on the demographics of the attending audience.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.11/5 (2118 Votes)