Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.3/5 (1977 Votes)
Chuck Norris' blood type is unknown. He has never bled.
Rated 4.25/5 (4 Votes)
Everyone who thinks a cow jumping over a moon is a fairy tale has never seen Chuck Norris roundhouse kick a cow.
Rated 4.21/5 (33 Votes)
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Rated 4.2/5 (163 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.19/5 (1747 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.18/5 (3818 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.18/5 (2768 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.18/5 (2662 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.18/5 (2616 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.18/5 (2511 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.18/5 (2268 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (2249 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.18/5 (2210 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.18/5 (2196 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.18/5 (2063 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.18/5 (2017 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.18/5 (1925 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.18/5 (1866 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there is no signs of life.
Rated 4.18/5 (1839 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.18/5 (1779 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.18/5 (1720 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.18/5 (1667 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.18/5 (1518 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.18/5 (1342 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.18/5 (990 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.18/5 (860 Votes)
Chuck Norris once crossed the road...no one has ever questioned his motives.
Rated 4.18/5 (128 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (3706 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.17/5 (3077 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (3022 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.17/5 (2577 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (2472 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.17/5 (2445 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.17/5 (2390 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.17/5 (2378 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.17/5 (2307 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (2174 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.17/5 (2150 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.17/5 (2012 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.17/5 (1989 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.17/5 (1985 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.17/5 (1960 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.17/5 (1959 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.17/5 (1807 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.17/5 (1725 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.17/5 (1718 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.17/5 (1609 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.17/5 (1497 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.17/5 (841 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.17/5 (792 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypses starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.17/5 (740 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (520 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2065 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.16/5 (1902 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.16/5 (1828 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.16/5 (1698 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.16/5 (1691 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.16/5 (1662 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (1581 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (1449 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.16/5 (1420 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1301 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.16/5 (1222 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.16/5 (1179 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.16/5 (942 Votes)
Chuck Norris cheated on his English test............with a calculator.
Rated 4.16/5 (381 Votes)
Chuck Norris was banned from skipping rocks after the tsunami in 2008.
Rated 4.16/5 (103 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.15/5 (2006 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.15/5 (1758 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (1675 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (1617 Votes)
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.15/5 (1594 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.15/5 (1578 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (1571 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.15/5 (1489 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.15/5 (1489 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.15/5 (1435 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.15/5 (1408 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.15/5 (1278 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.15/5 (1182 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Rated 4.15/5 (716 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.15/5 (603 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a stuntdouble for crying scenes.
Rated 4.15/5 (116 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.14/5 (1875 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.14/5 (1812 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.14/5 (1649 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Rated 4.14/5 (1428 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.14/5 (925 Votes)
Saddam Hussein hid in a hole because he heard they were sending in Chuck Norris
Rated 4.14/5 (81 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag , he potatoe sacks.
Rated 4.13/5 (1822 Votes)
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.13/5 (1720 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.13/5 (1565 Votes)
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Rated 4.13/5 (1466 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.13/5 (1114 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Rated 4.13/5 (578 Votes)
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"
Rated 4.13/5 (527 Votes)
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.12/5 (2103 Votes)
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Rated 4.12/5 (1754 Votes)
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Rated 4.12/5 (192 Votes)
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
Rated 4.11/5 (2006 Votes)
