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Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts

Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.21/5 (5989 Votes)
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Rated 3.96/5 (1826 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.11/5 (3820 Votes)
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Rated 4/5 (1840 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.09/5 (3410 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.12/5 (3918 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.15/5 (4698 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.09/5 (2891 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.07/5 (2853 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.11/5 (2811 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.1/5 (3282 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.18/5 (4072 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.17/5 (3316 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.21/5 (4593 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.19/5 (3959 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.2/5 (3448 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.19/5 (3473 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.18/5 (3901 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.18/5 (3647 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (3536 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.15/5 (3327 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.2/5 (4773 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.19/5 (2740 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.19/5 (5916 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.22/5 (4149 Votes)



Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (3805 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.2/5 (2595 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Rated 4.26/5 (1224 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (2189 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.14/5 (2586 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.15/5 (2470 Votes)
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.2/5 (753 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.16/5 (4687 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.19/5 (3298 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.18/5 (3247 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.21/5 (3545 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.16/5 (2796 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.17/5 (3003 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.14/5 (2723 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (4123 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (3249 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (3535 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.21/5 (3086 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.14/5 (3774 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.19/5 (2955 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.16/5 (2320 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.17/5 (3545 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.19/5 (2583 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.14/5 (3285 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3977 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.19/5 (3078 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.17/5 (1943 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (2147 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.2/5 (2933 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Rated 4.26/5 (1243 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.16/5 (2900 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (2569 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.17/5 (3197 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.17/5 (3073 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.17/5 (4162 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.18/5 (3663 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.18/5 (3372 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2927 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.15/5 (2659 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.18/5 (5183 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.17/5 (2795 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.17/5 (2963 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.19/5 (3334 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.17/5 (3424 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.18/5 (1544 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.16/5 (3002 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.14/5 (2697 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.15/5 (4068 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
Rated 3.74/5 (381 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.17/5 (2622 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.18/5 (2575 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.17/5 (2789 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.19/5 (2105 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.18/5 (2709 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.14/5 (2704 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.16/5 (2739 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (2716 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.15/5 (2784 Votes)
Chuck Norris went around the world...by standing still.
Rated 3.66/5 (488 Votes)
Chuck Norris recorded the making of the first video camera.
Rated 4.14/5 (532 Votes)
Chuch Norris stood next to a bear and was told he had to leave because the bear was scared.
Rated 3.4/5 (487 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.13/5 (2170 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.17/5 (3387 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Rated 4.12/5 (1154 Votes)
Chuck Norris hates Raymond.
Rated 3.65/5 (527 Votes)
Chuck Norris won the World Horseshoe Pitching Contest while they were still attached to a Clydesdale.
Rated 3.81/5 (482 Votes)
Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken.
Rated 3.87/5 (446 Votes)
Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin.
Rated 3.97/5 (465 Votes)
Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.
Rated 4.12/5 (578 Votes)
There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Rated 4.22/5 (601 Votes)
Chuck Norris won the tour de france, on a stationary bike.
Rated 4.04/5 (543 Votes)
Kings buy Chuck Norris size beds.
Rated 4.04/5 (565 Votes)
Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink. If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also determine the appropriate percentage level of rankness delivered based on the demographics of the attending audience.
Rated 2.36/5 (1082 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.
Rated 4.36/5 (736 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.09/5 (2606 Votes)

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