Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts
Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.28/5 (4060 Votes)
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.19/5 (2290 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.19/5 (2783 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.18/5 (3560 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.18/5 (1711 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.17/5 (1825 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.18/5 (1777 Votes)
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (1993 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.18/5 (3127 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.18/5 (2519 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.18/5 (3709 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.18/5 (3195 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad
he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.18/5 (2624 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.18/5 (2688 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.18/5 (3144 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.18/5 (2904 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.18/5 (2864 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.18/5 (2629 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.18/5 (4040 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.18/5 (2137 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.18/5 (5181 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.18/5 (3468 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.18/5 (3170 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.17/5 (1957 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack...
even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1606 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.17/5 (2014 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1966 Votes)
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (4053 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.17/5 (2707 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.17/5 (2704 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.17/5 (2883 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.17/5 (2227 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is
brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.17/5 (2452 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.17/5 (2191 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (3594 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (2728 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (3025 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.17/5 (2524 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.17/5 (3221 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (2415 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.17/5 (1795 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.17/5 (3028 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (2012 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.16/5 (2744 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3462 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2568 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.17/5 (1360 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.16/5 (1657 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.16/5 (2316 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.16/5 (2388 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (2138 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.16/5 (2656 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (2594 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.16/5 (3647 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.16/5 (3178 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.16/5 (2784 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2485 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (2202 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (4676 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.16/5 (2345 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.16/5 (2452 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2808 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.16/5 (2931 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.16/5 (1081 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.15/5 (2527 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (2233 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.15/5 (3483 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.15/5 (2187 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.15/5 (2114 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.15/5 (2328 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.15/5 (1582 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.15/5 (2273 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.15/5 (2240 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.15/5 (2274 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.15/5 (2260 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.15/5 (2281 Votes)
Chuck Norris went around the world...by standing still.
Chuck Norris recorded the making of the first video camera.
Chuch Norris stood next to a bear and was told he had to leave because the bear was scared.
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.14/5 (1752 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.14/5 (2842 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris hates Raymond.
Chuck Norris won the World Horseshoe Pitching Contest while they were still attached to a Clydesdale.
Chuck Norris once gave a man the Hiemlich Manuever. That man still holds the record for most bones broken.
Thunder is caused by Chuck Norris rubbing the stubble on his chin.
Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled a grizzly bear moments after birth with his own umbilical cord.
There once was a street called Chuck Norris, but the name was changed for public safety because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris won the tour de france, on a stationary bike.
Kings buy Chuck Norris size beds.
Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink. If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also determine the appropriate percentage level of rankness delivered based on the demographics of the attending audience.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.13/5 (1921 Votes)