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Top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes - Facts

Here are the top 100 Chuck Norris Jokes (Facts).

When you put Chuck Norris in your GPS, he's always right behind you.
Rated 3.69/5 (239 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to America's Toughest Prison for a vacation. After thirty seconds of voilence, an angry mob of 1000 convicts demanded to be put on Death Row.
Rated 3.64/5 (189 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason NWA ran Straight Outta Compton.
Rated 3.52/5 (162 Votes)
As a kid, Chuck Norris made his dad go to his room.
Rated 4.1/5 (203 Votes)
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Rated 4.27/5 (3562 Votes)
When Chuck Norris crosses the steet the cars have to look both ways.
Rated 4.07/5 (207 Votes)
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open and lick his elbow. At the same time.
Rated 3.68/5 (295 Votes)
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Rated 4.17/5 (1973 Votes)
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Rated 4.16/5 (1651 Votes)
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Rated 4.23/5 (344 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Rated 4.25/5 (266 Votes)
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Rated 4.2/5 (473 Votes)
Kid have fun playing "kick the can". Chuck Norrris has fun playing "kick the kid"...
Rated 3.57/5 (174 Votes)
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Rated 4.17/5 (2600 Votes)
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Rated 4.17/5 (2809 Votes)
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Rated 4.17/5 (3263 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Rated 4.18/5 (2669 Votes)
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
Rated 4.17/5 (3190 Votes)
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Rated 4.16/5 (2590 Votes)
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Rated 4.17/5 (4893 Votes)
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2323 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Rated 4.17/5 (1427 Votes)
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Rated 4.17/5 (1576 Votes)
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Rated 4.17/5 (1529 Votes)
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Rated 4.18/5 (2009 Votes)



Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (1613 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Rated 4.18/5 (2125 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Rated 4.17/5 (1765 Votes)
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1753 Votes)
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Rated 4.17/5 (2537 Votes)
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Rated 4.16/5 (1903 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Rated 4.18/5 (2843 Votes)
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Rated 4.16/5 (1879 Votes)
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rated 4.16/5 (2291 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Rated 4.16/5 (3436 Votes)
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Rated 4.17/5 (3754 Votes)
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Rated 4.17/5 (2460 Votes)
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Rated 4.17/5 (2471 Votes)
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Rated 4.16/5 (2377 Votes)
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Rated 4.17/5 (3356 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Rated 4.17/5 (2968 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Rated 4.17/5 (1993 Votes)
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Rated 4.15/5 (2231 Votes)
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Rated 4.16/5 (2400 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Rated 4.16/5 (2956 Votes)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Rated 4.17/5 (2520 Votes)
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Rated 4.16/5 (1982 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Rated 4.16/5 (3369 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Rated 4.17/5 (2529 Votes)
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Rated 4.17/5 (2303 Votes)
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Rated 4.17/5 (2450 Votes)
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Rated 4.16/5 (3005 Votes)
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Rated 4.17/5 (2214 Votes)
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1999 Votes)
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Rated 4.17/5 (2822 Votes)
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (4452 Votes)
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Rated 4.17/5 (2923 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Rated 4.16/5 (2096 Votes)
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Rated 4.16/5 (2239 Votes)
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rated 4.17/5 (2649 Votes)
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Rated 4.16/5 (2598 Votes)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Rated 4.17/5 (2408 Votes)
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Rated 4.17/5 (3817 Votes)
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (1816 Votes)
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Rated 4.17/5 (2575 Votes)
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Rated 4.17/5 (2057 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Rated 4.17/5 (1942 Votes)
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Rated 4.17/5 (2745 Votes)
Chuck can divide by zero.
Rated 4.19/5 (419 Votes)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Rated 4.16/5 (2079 Votes)
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rated 4.16/5 (2105 Votes)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Rated 4.17/5 (3260 Votes)
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Rated 4.17/5 (1130 Votes)
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.17/5 (2966 Votes)
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Rated 4.16/5 (3275 Votes)
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Rated 4.17/5 (1491 Votes)
Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.
Rated 4.16/5 (1591 Votes)
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Rated 4.15/5 (2026 Votes)
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
Rated 4.15/5 (2166 Votes)
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Rated 4.16/5 (2442 Votes)
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
Rated 4.16/5 (2292 Votes)
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Rated 4.18/5 (1356 Votes)
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Rated 4.16/5 (1604 Votes)
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Rated 4.16/5 (2153 Votes)
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Rated 4.16/5 (2090 Votes)
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Rated 4.17/5 (885 Votes)
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Rated 4.15/5 (2311 Votes)
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Rated 4.13/5 (398 Votes)
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rated 4.15/5 (2066 Votes)
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Rated 4.15/5 (2189 Votes)
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.16/5 (1536 Votes)
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Rated 4.15/5 (2262 Votes)
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Rated 4.14/5 (1893 Votes)
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Rated 4.13/5 (339 Votes)
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Rated 4.14/5 (1887 Votes)
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rated 4.13/5 (2060 Votes)
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
Rated 4.14/5 (2203 Votes)
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Rated 4.14/5 (844 Votes)
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Rated 4.08/5 (183 Votes)
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Rated 4.12/5 (2666 Votes)

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